Complete Acceptance

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“Listen to me Susan” Jack screamed but his voice failed to strike my wrathful mind. Ignoring thoughts of all consequences, I scampered out of the door slamming it hard behind my back.

 It was raining outside and I had no homely shelter to look forward for. Sensing mental feebleness, my legs itself lurched in the direction of sun set. Haunting memories of beautiful past flashed before my eyes introducing me to my new alien existence.

Rain calmed my anger down but failed to stop the immense pain of broken heart that took over subsequently. Tears started to roll out of my eyes and soon matched the rhythm of the rain. I desperately wanted that rain to turn up in to some flood and wipe me out of this life. Darkness embraced the city and so did the chilling wind but the freezing temperature outside felt much comfortable than the heat of burning pain inside.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have just been cleared to land at the Cancun airport, please make sure that your seat belts……” flight announcement pulled me back to the present. I am on my way to Holbox Island.

Separated from the mainland of Mexico by shallow lagoon, Holbox is an island of secluded beaches. I desperately wanted to get away from everything and from everywhere. By the time I reached my pre-booked hotel room at the Island it was already dark. Sleep was miles away from my eyes and even the exhausting journey of six hours failed to make me feel hungry. Not sure of what to do next, I decided to take an alcohol escape. I poured vodka in to my glass, making double sure that it goes above extra large benchmark, and stepped out in to the beautiful entresol attached to my window. The sound of sea waves and the alcohol together tuned my thoughts back to the past.

“I am seeing someone”. Jack’s this statement that evening turned my world upside down. The news paralyzed me like Death adder bite. I remained inactive as my mind had never designed any reaction for this situation ever.

We have been married since last so many years, everything appeared so normal, what made this happen? My left over sense kept on searching for reasonable reasons to justify his action, but in lack of any, it turned in to a bitter rage.

“And for how long this is been happening?” I asked keeping my tone as calm as possible.

“Over six months now.” He replied looking away from me.

“You Son of a ……….” Hatred filled my heart. Since last six months I have been living a life filled with his fake emotions. A feeling of humiliation incepted burning sensation in every drop of blood running through my veins.

“Listen Susan, it all happened. It was completely out of control.”  He came up with a lame excuse.

“And what about hiding it from me, was that out of control too? “  I screamed.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” He came up with another bullshit.

 

“You know what, this conversation we are having here is just a situation for you. You might have prepared long for it and with the end of it you will be free to live your new dream life.

Come and look from my side Jack, with end of this conversation I would be losing everything. You ruined me, you bastard. I am getting out of here.  May your soul rot in hell…?”

“Listen to me Susan” Jack screamed but his voice failed to strike my wrathful mind. Ignoring thoughts of all consequences, I scampered out of the door slamming it hard behind my back…

It has been over a year now but I am still stuck there. That incident turned me in to a loner. I started avoiding people and soon all my friends were long gone. Life became purposeless and in lack of motivated efforts my career got stuck like forever. Alcohol and sex became the alternatives for real happiness which never lasted for more than the activity itself. In short, I have been in hell.

Alcohol had captured my senses completely.

Jack once said to me “amazing girl like you is hard to find. “ Was it for true or was just the outcome of preceded intimate moments. Doesn’t matter now, does it? He is long gone, and right now he might be sharing similar moments with someone else.

I looked towards the watch it was 5:30 am, beginning of twilight.

” Amazing girl like me is hard to find”.

 I didn’t wanted to be found too. I tossed my empty glass and jumped out of the mezzanine towards the beach. Something started pulling me towards the shore. I kept on walking till the cold water of the sea touched my feet. I remembered, how Jack used to hold me tight in the sea, knowing that I get scared in deep waters.

Tears filled my eyes. Today I am not afraid of anything. I started walking again, water level kept on increasing, feeling of coldness rolling over from my toes to knees and finally to my neck. Uncomfortable to walk further, I started swimming as fast as fast possible and soon the sea shore was out of my sight. Finally I was tired, tired of everything. I wanted to sleep. Throwing a final gaze at the horizon my heart whispered in to my mind

“Let’s quit.”

I surrendered myself into the arms of deep sea. It felt as if I am throwing myself on to the bed after a long tiring day. A giant wave turned me upside down and pushed me deep in to the sea. My eyes were closed but I could feel my body getting away from the surface of water.

“Why are you upset dad?” I asked

“I lost my Job Susan” dad replied in a low sounding voice.

“Why did you lose your job?”  I inquired again.

“It is their organization, they can do whatever they like to do with their employees” he replied in frustration.

“Don’t worry dad, when I will grow up I will buy you a new organization.” I promised my dad hugging him tight.

He laughed loud and hugged me back “In that case I will have to take  good care of you till you grow up”  he replied and kissed me on my forehead.

 

A memory of my early childhood suddenly flashed before my eyes backed by images of all those people who ever cared for me.

What the hell I was thinking, just because life closed one door for me I stopped caring about everything else in life. Possibility of making all my dreams true was right there, above that surface of water, in the real world, and with every passing second I was getting away from it.

I opened my eyes, it was dark, probably I was too deep in to the water or maybe sun is not yet up completely. I started swimming towards the surface. I needed air to breath; collecting my leftover strength I pushed myself harder. In approximately a minute of effort I saw the light piercing through the surface of water. Few seconds more and it will be over.

A gigantic wave pushed me down just before I could reach the surface and then parade of waves followed. Lack of oxygen started to wipe me of my senses.

“Is this over?”

 “God I completely accept my life as it is, please give me one last chance, I promise I would not waste single moment of it grieving over past.”  With this prayer I felt as if some huge burden has been removed from over my head.

I fainted with a last sight of a pair of hand pulling me out of the water.

“You alright?” I heard a manly voice coming from some distance

“You alright?” or probably it’s being generated just above my face.I opened my eyes, I was on the beach with a  handsome man busy giving CPR to me.

It seems as if god has given me little more than what I prayed for.

“Yeah I am alright now, thank you“ I replied with a smile.

“We were on the same flight.” He said.

Oh really, wow , sorry I didn’t see you..I replied surprisingly

See how pain can blind you to opportunities around 😛

 “You cannot heal unless and until you accept your situation completely. Life is precious, just don’t mesh it up”. Stop knocking at closed doors, look around , there are many more doors not yet explored.” –  upsohigh

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